A Leap of Faith

Lessons

I guess I forget that people still read this. I kind of counted on no one caring about xanga anymore. I know that my last post came off wrong. And that's because I stupidly forgot the major detail that what I write on here never comes out the way I mean it in my heart.  When I say I miss my friends, I mean I miss the way we all were. When it was easy to be together and we had no cares or responsibilities to work around. I miss the carefree friendships.

I wanted to share a little of the wonderful lessons the Lord taught me during my trip to Seattle. It started on the plane. When we were flying over the mountains I was in awe of the scenes around me. I was looking at these huge, beautiful things. Knowing how high up in the air I was and how big these mountains still looked made me feel so small and insignificant.  The entire time I was in Seattle I was surrounded by gigantic mountains and breath taking views of the city. I asked Stephanie if she thought people who lived in these areas ever forgot to be amazed by the sights around them, ever took them for granted. She said she didn't think so. I'm not so sure I agree with her. We live our every day lives in a world created to delight us.  The Lord has made and placed these amazing sights and scenes around us, but we forget to notice them until something makes them pretty. We forget to notice and appreciate the flowers and the green grass and the blue in the sky until April when it first comes back after disappearing for all those months in winter. We forget how much we love the warmth of a summer day until it snows in December. How is that any different from spending your every day time with the Lord. We forget He's there until we've left a worship service, or heard a profound message, or someone with a new excitement for Him spends time with us. Just like those people who live day to day life looking at snow covered mountains forget those mountains are there and how beautiful they are until a visitor or tourist gets excited about them. We so easy can forget the amazing God who surrounds us on a daily basis. When we have this perfect being who walks step for step with us through each day, how can we get caught up in the imperfect things that take over our thoughts and actions. I'm so guilty of this. I know He's there but I don't recognize it until something brings it to my attention. It shouldn't have to be brought to attention. He should always be my attention.

The other thing I thought of had to do with the flying in and over clouds.  I'd like to believe I was extra observant because it was my first time flying so all the sights were breath taking to me. There was a point in my trip when I looked out the window and saw sheets of clouds. It was white as far as you can see. and I thought the clouds look unbreakable. Like if we hit them, the plane would break, not the clouds.  Then just as were were getting over the mountains, the clouds became patchy as if they wanted us to see the mountains for a reason.  Then the clouds were sky level with us and we had to go through them. Here is this perfect, beautiful creation, and even a hugh airplane can't break them.  We pass through them and then they just go about their business.  Then I was looking at the clouds and the mountains together and wondered if there could be anything so big and so perfect. And it hit me that these big, perfect things were doing exactly the job the Lord created them for. They were to be there to remind us of His beauty and magnificence.  And I felt so small. Like the most insignificant creature on the Earth. But I'm reminded at the same time, that I am human, and humans were created in His likeness to do His works. And it knocked the breath out of me to see that there are these perfect, magnificent things in the world, but for some reason God chose the most imperfect thing, to bear the most significance. He chose us, for what ever reason He had, to do the most important jobs He needed done. And we should feel honored to be a part of His plan. Yet here we are, so caught up in our needs and desires to forget how small and insignificant we could be but aren't. He chose us, in all our imperfections, so resemble Him. I don't know about everyone else, but I have an easier time looking at snow covered mountains and picturing God than I do looking at people walking down the street. But for some reason He picked me to be more significant in the scheme of life than these snow covered mountains. I have never been more humbled in my life.

What do you do....

when it's 1am and you're crying but there's no one to call? There are two things I do best when upset or overwhelmed or frustrated.... cry and write. When it's one in the morning and I'm crying, there's no one to call so I have to write.

I've felt all week as though I'm stressed and overwhelmed at work. But this conversationless day has shown me that maybe it's something else.  I'm about to make my fourth trip home in as many months.  I've used a good bit of school time to make those trips.  Something has been missing in those four months. I love my family so much and most days I feel as though they are the only ones who can make my heart complete. I laugh so much easier, I find joy in the smallest things (like the silly little faces elmo makes when you ask for a hug), I feel important to the every day life of someone, I have someone to talk to, and I could keep going.  I sit here in my tiny little apartment with none of that. I realized today after my fifth phone call to my mom that I have no one to talk to on days when school's out. I never realized how dependent I've become on those snotty little kids and just the interaction with other people. I'm the only person at work who isn't married or doesn't have a family to go home to each day. They may not need friends at work, but I do. Everyone kept telling me things would be better once I started working cuz I'd make friends and I'd have things to do. But really they haven't. I've begun using work as an excuse. I tell myself that I'm too busy to do stuff or meet people. Really it's just a lie to cover up being lonely. I long for that person. The one who's there every day, who you call when you're upset or something amazing happens, or is there when you're crying your eyes out at 1am. The person who's life isn't the same without you. What I feel isn't necessarily a longing for a boyfriend or to be married but a longing not to be lonely.

A text message conversation really set this off for me.  You say you miss me, but if you really did you'd make an effort to fix the distance between us. You wouldn't leave it all up to me. The truth is, I miss you too but I don't want to miss you. I was hurt and it's your fault and I don't want that again. I know you'll never read this so it's safe to write that. I needed to say it, but I don't want you to hear it. You don't deserve it.

I just want to be happy. And here I am again, wondering what really will make me happy. I'm lonely here, but is it worth being home if it means giving up the independence it's taken me 6 years to get. I miss my friends. I miss how simple life was in college. How easy it was to be with the people who meant so much to you. How things could be fixed with a good cry and some roommate time. And it's difficult because on the outside it seems like no one else feels like I do. So it makes me feel even more alone in all this.

When it's 1 in the morning and I have no one to call, the only thing else I know to do is write. Maybe I should have been a writer instead.

life today...

today i watched one of my kids start laughing. It was that kind of laugh where you're laughing so hard that you can't talk to explain why you're laughing. It was so contagious that 7 other kids started laughing. It was a good spirited, care free, loving life kind of laugh. For 43 seconds, as I listened to them laughing, I was jealous of a bunch of 12 year olds.

:(

wake up

This evening I was thinking about life. It started with me realizing that it's thursday and that the week is over already. This got me thinking. Thinking about how much of a routine my life has become. Not a very exciting one. Every morning I wake up, go to work, deal with 6th graders, clean my classroom, grade papers, come home, take a nap, wake up and grade papers some more, eat dinner, watch tv, shower, go to bed only to do the same thing the next day. 5 days of my week go just like that. When saturday comes around I'm so emotionally drained that I have the strength to do nothing. Then sunday comes and it's time to get ready for the week. So where is life going??

I had big dreams about the adventures college would bring to me. And I had those adventures and more.  Then I had big dreams about life after college. How I would have this amazing job and friends all around, and this all around super cool "single girl in the city" kind of life... you know like on The Hills on MTV. I have this okay job that yes pays my bills. Not many 24 year olds can say they're financially stable but I'm blessed to have that. I have great friends and at 24 have been lucky enough to find the friends that I know will be around for the long haul.  But I'm 24. Life shouldn't be so boring and routine for a 24 year old... should it?  Did life just give me unrealistic expectations about what it should be like when you're 24? Tomorrow is friday and you know what I'll be doing? The same thing I do most friday nights.... rent a movie, put on my pajamas and fall asleep at 10:30. How many 24 year olds go to bed at 10:30 on friday???

I think the point of this ramble is that i feel stuck in this rut where life is passing by and I'm not living it. I'm just going through the motions from day to day. I have no idea when January happened because the last time I closed my eyes to blink it was in december. There's got to be more to life than this routine that I'm living on my own. The thing is... when will there be more?

I get so annoyed with my kids because they don't listen, or can't follow directions, or can't shut their mouths when I ask them to. But as annoyed as I get with them, I'm not sure what I'd do if they weren't like that. Because that's the only excitement in my life. As much as they depend on me to be a consistant smiling face in their life, I depend on them for giving me a purpose every day. The highlight of my day is when the kids stop by my door and hug me in between classes. What would life be like without that little joy?